I think I am morally bankrupt
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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