So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
