i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
