so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The best revenge is premature balding
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
That was an excessively violent trivia night
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
