Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My vagina is officially offended.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
