i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
