I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
