hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I need to align my fucking chakras
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
