Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
