He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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