I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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