my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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