watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
