I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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