You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
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MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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