my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
