When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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