So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
