good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
