Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
