you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
