so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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