She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
sex in a hospital.. check
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
