So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
