i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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