I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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