The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
