I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
