i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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