Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
