let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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