I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
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