my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
