My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
