A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.