One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
