I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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