Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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