she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
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I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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