Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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