you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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