That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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