I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dignity is for republicans.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
