Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
