Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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