mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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