I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Houston, we have a blender
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I got inside last night via doggy door
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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