He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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