you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
