i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
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i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
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On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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