did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So much Jack, so little girl.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
