i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
