I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize
