cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
