so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
