make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
