my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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