i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
And then he peed in my hair
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