I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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