Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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