i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
