I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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